When I look at old photos of myself, I tend to think of who I was at that time. I look at my facial expression, think about my life then, and think about what my priorities were. I often imagine if I could speak to my former self what I would say to him?
This first photo hangs on our refrigerator in our kitchen as a reminder of my weight loss accomplishments. As I examined the photo, I looked at Mallory’s face and thought to myself, ‘Wow, she looks really young.’ I stood at the refrigerator, just looking at our faces. I began to feel discouraged as I thought of everything Mallory has done and what she has sacrificed for us to get to this point.
Pain emerged from my heart as I realized I was not mature enough to get married, even though I do believe it was God’s will. I look back at all the mistakes I made and think to myself how can we still be together?
I realized that back then, I had so many walls up: walls about my weight, walls about my talents, walls about my past… walls about so many things. Now I am vulnerable, empty, and eagerly anticipating the future. The problem is I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
I sat in my living room for several hours and pondered what I was going to write about for this month’s blog. I’m not going to mince words. 2018 has been a rough year for me personally, and it has affected my family, my sanity, my compass, and so many other things that I don’t really feel comfortable going into.
What I will say is that I assumed for two years that once I found my purpose, everything else would just work itself out, but I don’t think I believe that anymore.
I’ve been working on myself for the past two years because I think the reason why I haven’t been shown my path by God is because I’m not ready to see it yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
I’m becoming numb to all of the financial obstacles, emotional road blocks, and other various hiccups, and I’m hoping that through my composure during these tough times, God is preparing me for what my task will be. Unfortunately, currently I feel like the Israelites in the desert.
We just took pictures a few days ago. When I look at those pictures, I think of how far I’ve come. I also don’t know how far along I am on this road which I find extremely discouraging. Am I just beginning or am I almost at the end of this journey to self-discovery/goals/normalcy? It hurts to even write these sentences that I don’t have the answers to.
I do believe that these faces of the second photo are different though. I’m also happy to see that we added a new face to the picture. My priorities have shifted. The most important thing to me right now, even if I fail at literally everything else, is standing in the gap for my wife and son. I hope to be the glue that holds this family together. I hope by the power of God, I stand between them and the tactics of the enemy. This is at the top of my list right now, and if it is the only thing I accomplish, it’ll be worth it.
The pictures were both taken at Mallory’s family campgrounds. Both were taken on Sundays. I wholeheartedly believe I am no longer who I was, and that I am a completely different person. It’s surreal to think that these pictures are of the same location, but two different versions of the same person occupy that space.
I encourage you to look at my face in these pictures and tell me that you don’t see two different people. I don’t know that person in the other picture anymore, but I am certainly learning who I am now. I’m hopeful to take another picture in five years and look back on this recent photo. Who will I be then?
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.